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S. I. F. T. COUNSELING & CONSULTATION
JESS DEKKER, MA, LMHCA
Examining the Societal: Internal: Familial: Theological Structures
that inform how we move through our life and relationships
Serving clients in Washington State via telehealth therapy sessions,
and parenting/caregiver coaching nationwide
425.970.9957
Adult Children and the
Borderline Parent at a Glance
Adult children of parents with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often experience a range of emotional and psychological challenges. Growing up with a parent who exhibits the intense mood swings, fear of abandonment, and instability characteristic of BPD can lead to deep-rooted feelings of confusion, guilt, and chronic anxiety. Children with a parent with BPD may develop issues with fostering their own identity, boundaries, and emotional regulation due to the unpredictable emotional environment in which they were raised. They might have felt responsible for their parent's emotional well-being, leading to codependent tendencies, difficulty trusting others, or an overdeveloped sense of responsibility in relationships.
I work hard to provide a safe and structured environment to explore these complex dynamics with my clients. My goal is to help clients better understand their parent’s behaviors and the resulting impact on their own emotional health. I use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to support clients in setting healthy boundaries, addressing their hypervigilance to others' needs, and reframing narratives around feelings of guilt. Together, we will compassionately work towards building a sense of empowerment to prioritize your own emotional well-being and advocate for your own needs.
How Can I Help?
1
Boundary Setting
Without firm boundaries, adult children may be drawn into cycles of emotional enmeshment, where their parent’s extreme needs, moods, and crises take precedence over their own. This can result in the child feeling responsible for managing the parent's emotional states, fostering guilt, exhaustion, and resentment over time. Boundaries protect the adult child's emotional and psychological well-being, and help them reclaim autonomy, establish and maintain realistic expectations, and develop healthier relationships outside and within the parent-child dynamic- all without sacrificing their own needs or emotional stability.
My goal is to help you set boundaries that are in line with your values and needs. This is an act of self-compassion and crucial to your overall well-being.
2
Addressing Hypervigilance
Hypervigilance involves a heightened state of constant alertness to the moods, behaviors, and emotional cues of others. It often develops as a survival mechanism in response to the unpredictable and volatile emotional environment created by the BPD parent as the child learns to anticipate and manage sudden mood swings, intense emotional reactions, or threats of abandonment. While this coping mechanism may have helped the child navigate the emotional instability of their upbringing, it can have negative impacts in adulthood.
Together, we will explore the origins and patterns of your hypervigilance and work to shift from reacting to external emotional cues to developing self-trust and emotional autonomy.
3
Identifying Guilt vs. Conditioning
In the context of BPD, guilt is frequently used—intentionally or unintentionally—as a tool to manipulate or control the child’s behavior. The parent may blame the child for their emotional pain, express disappointment in the child’s attempts to establish independence, or guilt-trip them into meeting their needs, creating an overwhelming sense of responsibility for the parent’s emotional well-being.
I work with clients to help reframe their relationship to that guilt. Together, we will explore the concept of "guilt vs. conditioning," listed below:
Guilt is the product of a violation of your own values, which functions as a cue to consider making amends and seek repair where necessary. Conditioning is the process of training or accustoming a person to behave in a certain way or to accept certain circumstances. Adult children of a BPD parent can easily conflate guilt with conditioning because of the emotional manipulation that frequently occurs in childhood. Often what is initially perceived/understood as guilt in the parent-child dynamic when a parent has BPD, is actually conditioning (a specific role that the child was asked to play), and therefore not a violation of your values.
Collaboratively, we will work together to define your personal values, redefine your role in the parent-child relationship, and detach yourself from the weight of your conditioning.